Empty Shell
by Dreamer for lyf
Summary: “You’ll be human again, Al.” He tells me time after time, his face tinted with tangible honesty and convincing hope. “I promise.” R&R please


W/C: A sad one shot that deals with Al. Just him explaining his want to feel again. This really tore me apart while writing it so... yeah Its also not that long so could you please read it if you want? Its very deep so read with caution if you do decide to read it.

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I can still remember the warmth of your hand, the lovable rays of sun that cascaded down on our backs as we played, laughing and giggling like the children we were. I can still recall the shade of the trees, the wonderful breeze that would scurry past our feet and pick up the ends of our shirts, tickling our bellies with the pleasing cool of the small gust. I can still call back the beauty our home, each short cut we would take through the open fields, each hide out we would run to and each place we would escape to play.

Yet though I can remember, I can't feel the jubilance, the friendly emotion that envelops each passing memory. I can't bring back the laughter, the playful gesture of glee or the raw happiness of love and satisfaction. And that feeling in itself makes me ponder… How strange it is to not feel anything, to touch an object and take in nothing but empty, neglected textures of doubt and fallen woe. No matter how hard I press down or try to feel, no answer ever comes from what I want to experience; no call of awareness ever leaves me to digest its presence.

It's an empty sort of emotion, a hollow shell of sadness that extends on and on, never stopping to sneak any sort of inhabitance in its ever-existent reign. It remains to coil around my mind, suffocating all positive images out, leaving all my feelings to rot in a pile of crushed dreams. I gather each broken fantasy in confidence, trying to let the words of dear Nii-san assure me that what I'm going through won't last forever.

"You'll be human again, Al," he tells me time after time, his face tinted with tangible honesty and convincing hope, "I promise." And I believe that promise… I have faith in those very words. I sugarcoat all the hope I can get, its something very rare in our life now.

How I want to feel pain with him again… I want to experience the rush of jerking hardship and stabs of depression and fear by his side once more. It's all pretty ironic in a long sense. Most would do anything to get away from pain… I want to feel it first hand again. I barley remember the touch of a jagged edge, the cool feel of a blade or the chilling, numbing agony of a wound. I would give anything to go through the affliction; the torment Brother has come to face and I can't do anything but watch and wince for him.

The wind, the sun, the grass… they are all so distant from my touch. I can't brush my hand against it; I can't experience the peaceful collision and absorb any of its graceful exterior. All my nerves and senses are dulled, I'm nothing but an inane body of steel, making nothing but loud grumbles of rubbing metal to assure all who wonder that something is making it move, making it walk forward. Each thinks there is something inhabiting the armor; each assumes some one is inside. Nothing is… only the soul of a young boy… my spirit. A seal made of blood; Nii-san's blood.

They state I can't feel emotions first hand, yet, I do feel something. It makes no sense but I can obtain emotion, I can remember it. What I feel isn't fake… what I go through isn't intangible on the boundaries of reality. In my heart I acknowledge something called guilt… empty words of longing forgiveness, mourning sentences of comportment and raw love. Each syllable making up this unpleasant feeling is echoing in my mind. The guilt speaks of one thing, it only repeats a certain phrase that makes it grow, become bigger in its grossing size.

This guilt; it smirks as it lounges in my thoughts. I have no heart to contain it, no mind to incorporate it with existence. I feel guilty that I can't feel anything, I can't perceive all the suffering and torture that I, too, should be going through. It bites away at my nonexistent flesh; it dissolves the only persistent fantasies that loop in a place that only my soul knows of into nothing but boiling acid of mental cries. How I want it to stop, yet, how I also want it to continue. If guilt is the only thing left to feel, to convince me that I'm still here, then let it ricochet off life's concepts as long as it needs. But should I depend on guilt; should I put confidence in the only emotion that I seem to feel?

There are the words of Nii-san to also convince me… I believe him, shouldn't that be enough? I don't know… I just don't. I have faith in all he does; I interpret his actions to benefit in his and my existence. Yes, he may make mistakes, but that doesn't mean he isn't trying. I need to continue to have faith in him, for if I don't… I once again just don't know.

But I do know one thing… I want to feel again, I need to. I miss the textures of everyday things, the sun on my back, the wisp of air by the river, the feel of grass as my bare feet run across a field. I want to go through fear, experience pain once more.

And I will… Nii-san said so… I believe him. I won't depend on guilt; I won't lean on it for support. His words are all I need. After all…

He promised. And Nii-san always keeps his promises…

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W/C: So… that's my latest piece. If I made any grammar errors, please tell me ; I'm not good with grammar at all… Well, what did you think?


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